66. Navigating Conference Season (Part 3): Tips for Parents - Balancing Work and Family

Shall I bring my children, or leave them at home? How to manage conferences when you have young children and are at a critical point in your career?

We continue our three-part discussion on preparing for medical conferences. In this episode, we delve into the challenges that parents face when attending these events. Personally, I've grappled with the guilt of leaving my children at home, the mental strain of juggling family responsibilities alongside conference commitments, and the crucial task of aligning personal and career seasons, values, and priorities before deciding to participate in a conference. Throughout this episode, I'll be sharing my personal experiences through anecdotes to illustrate these points and offer practical advice.

We'll explore choices for bringing children along and scheduling conferences around family needs. The key message is this: once a decision is made, it's essential to focus on getting the most out of the choice made.

00:00 Introduction to Our Dilemma of Attending Conferences as Parents
02:17 The Struggles of Attending Conferences as Parents
03:51 The Importance of Mental Mastery in Our Conference Preparation
04:38 Practical Tips and Personal Stories for Our Conference Attendance
06:00 Understanding Our Season of Life and Career Stage
11:05 Knowing Our Values and Priorities
14:02 Making the Most of Our Decision
16:25 Practical Tips for Attending Conferences as Parents
21:49 Dealing with Breastfeeding and Childcare During Conferences
24:58 Deciding Whether to Bring Our Children to Conferences
30:03 Conclusion and Invitation to Professional Coaching

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

For many specialties, this is prime time for conference season, and oftentimes that means that we are bit torn. Do I go to a conference out of town or do I stay at home? And that's especially true when you're a mom or a dad, even that you feel this is sort of bittersweet. You want to get away, but you also feel you're missing your family. So if that is you and you're struggling with the responsibilities and just the decision whether to go and how to make most out of your time at a medical meeting or conference, stay tuned, for after the music we will be right back.

Speaker 1: 0:37

Welcome to the academic revolution podcast, where we are creating a movement to change the future of academic medicine forever. I'm Inga Hoffman, a Harvard-trained pediatric hematologist, oncologist and a passionate leadership coach with over 20 years of experience in academic medicine. This is the first podcast for academic physicians that will show you how to achieve higher productivity, become an impactful leader and create a highly successful career doing what you love, without sacrificing your personal life. You and I know that the traditional system is broken, so it's time to say no to the old, published or perished mentality and say yes to lasting change. Join me as we transform academic medicine from the inside out, one physician at a time, starting right here with the academic revolution podcast. Well, welcome back to another episode of the academic revolution podcast. I'm your host, inga Hoffman, and today we're going to talk about conference prep, part three. If you have been with me for the other two episodes, that's awesome. If you are new or have not listened to them, go back and listen to the couple prior episodes of things and lessons I learned over the years how to best prepare for a medical conference that you're attending, especially those out of town exciting conferences where you get to travel somewhere else. Now, in today's part three, I want to talk about a little bit something different, and that is how to prepare for the conference If you're a mom or even a dad out there that is struggling with this mommie guilt of shall I go or shall I stay, and how do I make most of the time there.

Speaker 1: 2:28

Because, honestly, I think a lot of parents struggle with that. Moms may be more than dads, but I don't want to make any assumptions here and I'm a big believer that we got to bring all people to the table when we want to solve the problems in academic medicine. That's just a side note. I really do believe it's not just women physicians over here and men physicians over here. No, we all got to work together and come to the table together to solve these bigger problems we are facing in medicine, and I'm excited to be that bridge builder and that's a big thing I believe in. So you might be a dad out there and I've talked to dads that are struggling with having young children at home maybe a two career physician household and how to juggle conferences. So hopefully this all serves you, but let's dive right in.

Speaker 1: 3:19

So part three let's talk about that parent or that mom guilt when you go to a conference and have to leave your children home with somebody else or with your spouse, however that works for you. This episode is really straight from pillar number three, because we're going to shift a bit of practical tips of how do I prepare, but largely focus here on our mindset and understanding who we are as we are going to conferences, because that's a big part of it. So pillar number three is all about mental mastery and I think the topic we talk about today of how do we deal with conference preparations and attending conference as a parent, that is really largely a thing that we have to sort out in our head, in our emotions. So that's why I put this in pillar number three. So my hope for today is that I will be able to provide to you with some guidance, some encouragement of making a decision of what is best for you in the season of life going to a conference and how to get most out of a conference, especially if you have young children. When the kids get a little older, things get a little easier and I hope to share some tips and some very personal stories. So you might be entertained or shake your head, but we'll see. So this is really intended to be very practical but also give you real life experiences. So let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 4:57

So I divided this in two parts. In the first part we're talking sort of a little bit of foundational issues, things you should be thinking through, and in part two I will share some personal stories as well and hopefully this will help you decide and also give you some practical tips on how to think about attending a conference when you are a parent or a mama, dad out there, and again, if you are a dual physician household. I just want to extend an extra blessing to you and extra grace to you, because it is hard when you have two physicians, especially with crazy schedules, it can be really challenging to make arrangements for all of that. I've seen colleagues through this. I always admired them and I also was like, wow, I'm glad my husband is not in medicine, but you might find yourself in a dual physician household and I just want to honor you for that and encourage you to stay the course and you too will figure this out. So here's to part one.

Speaker 1: 5:58

So let's talk about number one. When you think about attending a conference, number one no, us season. This is really, really important. You really need to understand the season of life you're in, and what do I mean by that? There are two parts to this. As I thought about my medical career and as they relate to conference attendance is number one my kids ages and number two my career stage. So really understand where you are in the season of life. You might have very, very little kids. Maybe you even have a newborn at home or toddler ages. They need their moms and dads a lot more, especially their mommies, and that is a different season of life than when you have a teenager at home who is probably happy when they get a little bit free time without one of their parents kind of hovering over them. So that is something you really have to think about and understand what season you're in Number two under that bucket. Know your season. You also have to understand your career stage and sadly, a lot of times things align in life that you have young kids when you're in critical stages of your career. That's how it works out for a lot of people and we just have to work through that. But know what career stage you're in. There are stages where you really kind of have to hit the gas pedal and there are other seasons and stages in your career where you are a little bit more on cruise control, where you have maybe mastered some skills, especially through this podcast, to get your head about water and not feel so stressed out and overwhelmed. And I've gone through all those stages and understanding where you are right in this moment as you decide on your next conference is really foundational and important because it will help make your decisions.

Speaker 1: 7:54

I remember, for example, one of my main conferences that I like to attend, that I have attended faithfully for I don't even know how many years since I have been a fellow is the American Society of Hematology meeting coming up in just a couple of weeks. I'm super excited about that. At the time when this recording gets released I'm probably going to be at the meeting. And I remember the very first year I had submitted in abstract that actually got a poster presentation, I believe, and I was really excited to go. I was a second year fellow, just into my laboratory career, and I was really excited to present my data. That was very fresh and new and exciting and led to a wonderful, high impact journal paper. But here was the deal I submitted the abstract. We got accepted.

Speaker 1: 8:54

The problem was at that time I had a nearly six-week-old infant and I was really wrestling with the decision shall I go and present because there was a huge deal at that stage in my career, or is that maybe a little too much to ask and should I just stay home? And I decided that was probably the only year where I skipped ash because of those type of reasons, because my six-week-old infant was more important to me than that presentation and I had my co-author go and it was great for her and she enjoyed it and she didn't have a six-week-old infant at home. So it worked out great. But it was one of those where you had to decide which one is really more important and where are you at your career stage. Did it hurt me at the end of the day not to present that poster at that stage? Absolutely not. I don't think for a second that had any impact on my career, although in the moment it felt like a big deal. And in the moment I thought it's also important because it was exciting, was one of my first accepted abstracts. That's wonderful. But I understood. I made the decision that that was not really feasible and honestly sounded super stressful to either worry about bringing a baby along and breastfeeding and how am I going to do all that. So it worked out fine. But again, that is a good example.

Speaker 1: 10:26

Understand what season you are in now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not condemning anybody who takes their six-week-old to a conference. I'm always very impressed when I see people do that and that's awesome if you can swing it and if you can work that way and if your baby is kind of one of those babies that easily travels along. My kid was a horrible sleeper, so that was not feasible and you need to know your personal situation again.

Speaker 1: 10:56

What stage and season in your life are you in and make a decision based on that? Number two know your values in this season of life and your priorities, and this will look different from anyone else as well. At one stage in your life you might feel that staying at home, like I gave in my example, was more important. At that particular stage in life, my priority and my value was with my family and not with my career advancement, because I knew this season of having an infant is very short and, in the big picture, doesn't impact what is going to happen to your career. But for others, you might be in a different career stage and therefore have different values and priorities in the season and therefore going to a meeting and a few days out of town, sleeping in a hotel bed and not having to cook, might be the perfect thing that you need to get some clarity, some reset and some break from home, honestly, and that is all good. So understand, based on the particular career and personal season you are in, understand what are the values that are most important to you, and I spoke about personal values in the past. It's really important to have personal values that are critical and core to you, and if you're struggling with that.

Speaker 1: 12:27

Remember that I do have a training coming up. At the beginning of January, I'm hosting a vision retreat for people to really get clarity on their personal priorities and values, based on their goals and their vision, and if you are interested in that, please check out the show notes for this episode and I will share more how you can join. So back to knowing your values and the season priorities. That is just really important. Be clear on your values and what is important to you right now in this season. That will help you make decisions for you and not rely on other people's input and their opinions whether you should go to this conference or not.

Speaker 1: 13:12

I see this a lot. Facebook groups are always fascinating to me because you see all sorts of spectrums of people and all sorts of advice given that are sometimes completely unfounded because people just don't understand Other people's personal situations. So I always feel like there should be a word of caution when you ask advice for people that you don't even know in some random Facebook group. So what I would say to you is just be clear on your own personal values and priorities will go a much longer way than asking everybody for a piece of opinion because they don't know your situation and your values and your priorities, but you do, and you think you might not be clear on that, but in your gut and your heart of hearts you actually know. So listen to that.

Speaker 1: 14:02

Number three this is important. Whatever you decide whether to go or not to go to the meeting, you know, make most of it. Make most of that decision and don't look back and second guess or question yourself. Decide what you think is best for you in this particular season of life and then just go for it and then plan around that and make the best of it. Don't go and then I wish I would not have gone. Should I cancel the trip or should I leave earlier? People struggle with that a lot when they get homesick or they miss their children. Just before you make a decision, really think these things through and then just understand yes, there will be maybe emotional things coming up or struggles that you will be facing while you are away, or things at home fall apart.

Speaker 1: 14:55

I remember I went on a trip a couple years ago. I was on a business trip and my husband was home with the kids. My kids were, you know, they're not that little anymore, but my younger one was probably eight or nine and he had a big fall, an accident with a scooter. He really busted his skin and ankle pretty bad. Nothing was broken, but he was in a lot of distress and I just got off the airplane and you know kids need their mom and they are hurt often time. So I was on the phone and I felt really bad but it sorted itself out. I mean, I was fine a couple hours later.

Speaker 1: 15:35

Just understand these things come up and don't get derailed by it. Pay attention to it. You know, give the love and care to your family over the phone and what they need, but then get back on track. Unless it's a true emergency, understand again, things will come up as you leave that you haven't prepared for. Just make the best out of the situation. But once you make a decision, stick with it and plan for it and prepare for it and then also enjoy it and just be present for what you decided to do. When you stay home, then you're present for your children and whatever job responsibilities you have. And if you do decide to travel, make the most out of that trip. Which brings me to the last part, or to the second part of this. These are just a handful of tips that I thought I'd share and some stories of how you can make most out of the trip when you're there, depending on your season. So here are some things that came to my mind as I reflected back on all the years of medical training and conferences, and in my children Again, once you decide to go make most out of the meeting, out of that conference, and that how that looks like very, very much depends again on the ages of your children and you want to be mindful of that.

Speaker 1: 17:01

There might be times I remember, when my children were really young or my first one was born, that I felt, if I leave my house, if I leave my family, if I leave my children behind, I'm not going to mess around at the conference with just social partying and social hours. I'm going to be sharp, I'm going to squeeze most out of the day and I will just attend the maximum talks that my brain can hold, and often maybe we get a little over ambitious with that. But that was my goal and that was my attempt. I did not want to leave my house and my family and they're not really value the time while I was there. To make most out of the moment. Now that's just me and that is what I did for years. So I was very intentional in planning the conference out that way to attend most of the talks and to not worry so much about the social parties. Now did I interact and socialize with people and caught up with friends and colleagues? Absolutely, but that wasn't the highest priority. My highest priority was cease the moments, learn as much as you can, because that also was important for that part in my career. So that was that face of life.

Speaker 1: 18:27

Now I do understand that for some people this might look different. Maybe your kids are a little bit older, maybe even when your kids are young, you're like this is my only chance to get away for a little bit and actually have a little bit time off. Even I'm at work. It's re-energizing me, it's giving me some adult conversation etc. And it gives me some reset to not be at home, not have to cook, not have to clean the dishes. If that's your main role in your household, like I do, well then that's great. That's also great. So really, again, understand what season you're in will help you make most out of that meeting and make those decisions. Now how I structure the meeting looks a little bit different than I did 10 years ago, and that's all good and that's all okay.

Speaker 1: 19:19

The second part that ties into that is, depending on the season you're in, your motivation to travel might be get a few good nights of sleep, because you won't get them at home because you have kids that wake you up at night. Well, if that is one of the key perks, then please make sure that you're actually sleeping and not partying and at whatever one o'clock and have to get up for a 7 am talk. That is important to kind of structure that way and say again what is my intention? How do I get most out of that meeting? If it's not just medical, maybe there are some other perks that come around, such as adult conversations with colleagues, some intellectual stimulation, some lectures and education on your field, or simply some sleep or reset time. These are all great motivations.

Speaker 1: 20:19

To say this meeting helps me achieve not just my professional scholarly education, but also some some personal things that are important to keep me afloat as a working parent. And then make sure that you also pay attention and be intentional about those things. So make sure you get enough sleep. If adult conversations are important, make sure that you perhaps have some really great meetings scheduled to give you that interaction. We talked about that in the other couple episodes. And if it needs to be reset time for you, make sure maybe you have a short moment, even if it's just an hour, to take a walk or sit by the pool or go to the gym, to have that time and to have that reset or read a book that you wouldn't be able to do at home. Being highly intentional and planning ahead of time will really help you do that and, of course, there might be times in the moment where you say, okay, now I feel like I need this. I had planned for this, I had to plan, I plan to attend this talk, but I'm really wiped out. I'm going to take some time to myself now, of course, listen to your internal cues, what your body tells you and what your brain tells you, and consider that as well.

Speaker 1: 21:44

A couple practical stories and tips that I think will help a lot of moms out there. Number one if you're a dad by the way, now a guy listening to the show please, please don't be disturbed, but let's talk about breastfeeding and pumping and all that kind of stuff. And guess what? That question comes up all the time for new moms that are breastfeeding their child and that wonder what am I going to do for the conference, and I thought I'm going to illustrate that by sharing a story, very personal but real, raw story that gives you an illustration what can be done.

Speaker 1: 22:21

When my first born was born, I think I was with my first child and you know I breastfed sort of for the first yearish a little longer maybe and my kid is also allergic to milk products, so I was very limited in terms of other products. He didn't like soy. So basically I struggled through the breastfeeding period and pumping was really a tall and difficult and every drop that I pumped was meaningful and mattered because I didn't pump all that much milk. That was just me. So if that grows this year out, you just do something else for a moment. But so here I was going to ash and I needed to pump so that my baby can have some food. Now usually when I went to ash and still do I'm gone from usually Thursdays to Tuesdays, because if I'm already traveling I'm making most out of my time. So that means that I have to do something with the milk.

Speaker 1: 23:25

Now some people say, okay, let me just pump and dump this kind of a mommy term. You know you pump the milk and you dump it and you don't worry about it if you have like gallons in the freezer. But that wasn't me. So the crazy thing I did and one of those trips is, yes, I pumped the milk and then I actually FedExed it back. Yeah, that cost me 100 bucks, but that was just important to me. So I just want to share with moms out there. You know, don't be alarmed.

Speaker 1: 23:55

There was all sorts of solutions that you can come up with and FedEx was one of them. I just packed it all up. I had a multiple freezer packs. I went to the restaurant of the hotel I was staying to get those freezer packs in the freezer. I had a box, I think, prepared a styrofoam box. I had everything prepared so that I could ship that milk home and basically my baby had enough food while I was gone and enough when I came back.

Speaker 1: 24:26

And that is crazy. That sounds like. Why would you do that? But if you are desperate you become creative, and that was just my personal situation. So that was one solution to a problem and that's what I did because I didn't want to take my baby along. That seemed like even more complicated and I was restricted in terms of what can I feed my baby. So that's what I did. That was one option. So just know, you can get creative in all sorts of ways. The other question that always comes up, now that I grossed you out with my pumping story, is that, hey, but babies need to eat. This is real life, okay. And then the other question that often comes up is shall I bring my children along so I can actually see them? And that is also a very personal decision.

Speaker 1: 25:20

I personally never did, at least not for national conferences, because it was just more stressful for me to worry about the daycare. Some conferences do have daycare on site Ash, for example. The American Society of Hematology has daycare services. I have friends that utilize them and thought it was pretty good. But that was just too stressful for me because that meant that then my children were influencing my experience there and that can be very stressful. So getting them dressed up at the craziest hour per day, worrying about if they will be okay at the daycare, the disruption that could be possibly with it, it fell to me that if I do that then I will be not present at all, then I might as well not go, and because I either have them stuck in the daycare, don't see them anyway, or I have the stressful situation dropping them off and maybe it doesn't work out, maybe they get cranky, and then I have to pick them up anyway, and then I will be frustrated that my children interrupted my day. So I never really did this for a national meeting, but I have colleagues who did and it worked for them. Again, very personal decision. You have to see your level of tolerance and how you function and also your children. I mean, my kids just never did well in daycare and we mostly had nannies when they were tiny, but your children might be like loving it. So you need to know what's best for you.

Speaker 1: 26:59

And I did do this, though, for international conferences that were in Europe, and the reason why is because I grew up in Europe, so I had the advantage to be able to go to a meeting. One time I went to the Netherlands and I took my six months old, and that was kind of intense, though, and my mom watched the little guy and my husband while I was at the meeting and we figured out all sorts of solutions to breastfeed and between and those kind of creative stories. And I did that again when I had two kids and took both of my kids to a meeting in Prague. And what we did there is we at the time had a nanny that was from Prague. We actually took her along. She watched the children and helped him and her husband and and we weren't all on our own and stressed out and I combined those trips with meeting my family, so that was a bonus. It was really because I'm already going to Europe might as well see my family.

Speaker 1: 28:02

These are all very personal decisions. You got to decide what works for you, for your family's situation, whether you bring your kids on heart In general I just never felt, especially for short meetings, that was worthwhile. It might shift as they get older. Let's say you know they are in their teens and you go somewhere exciting and you have a meeting that has buffer time and is not densely packed with things you want to actually attend, that you might tag on a little vacation or that you might bring them along. That again is a very personal decision. I just never felt like it was worth it.

Speaker 1: 28:43

Sometimes I considered, oh yeah, because you already got one flight, maybe paid by your work, right that you save that, but then you're so restricted in the times of travel you might as well book a separate vacation. That is sort of my philosophy, but people do all sorts of things. Think about this creatively and remind yourself the important parts Know your season in life in regards to your children and your career. Know your priorities and values in regards to this particular season in life. And then, number three, whatever you decide, just sit with it and once you decide it, be intentional with it and make the best out of what you decided and not getting frustrated about this. So hopefully this helped you.

Speaker 1: 29:32

I know this was very different, a little personal, some crazy stories, but I want to just share what is on people's mind, because I'm not trying to, because I know for fact that there's many moms and dads out there, especially moms, that worry about these things and these very practical crazy stories. I told you about myself. That is on people's mind and I want to help with that, because we've all been in different seasons and I wish somebody had told me at the time some of the tips that I figured out on my own. So I have a wonderful day, talk to you soon and talk to you next week. Bye, bye, hey there, friends, some of you might have been wondering how you can take the next step in your academic journey and get a professional coach. Many of you have wondered how you can specifically work with me, as I have been with you in the trenches and in academic medicine for over two decades, and the answer is yes, you can totally work with me.

Speaker 1: 30:29

But many people wonder is coaching actually right for me and what is the difference between coaching and mentorship? After all, I already have a mentor, you might think, but coaching and mentorship are very different from each other. Both coaching and mentorship have unique roles in your academic career and for your personal and professional success. Typically, a mentor shares wisdom from their journey. They bring you guidance based on their perspective and their life experience, which is wonderful. But coaching is distinctively different and takes things to the next level, as a coach helps you to set and achieve your own goals based on your experience, your personal life goals and your unique values. That's where coaching is markedly different. For mentorship, both of their unique roles in both have its place.

Speaker 1: 31:26

I don't want to negate for mentorship Find a great mentor, but if you really want to accelerate your career, you need a coach. Every good business person has it, every good sports person has it, and even now academic leaders get their own personal coaches to save them time, accelerate their career and their personal life and success. So if you're curious, if coaching is for you, simply go to my website at ingahoffmancom. That is I N G A H O H O F M? A? N? Ncom forward slash coaching. Fill out application and we get on a discovery call together where you can test out coaching, learn what it is and isn't, and where you can experience coaching firsthand without ever having to pay a dime. And then you can decide is this actually right for me and you and I a good fit for each other? So go ahead, go to the website, fill out that application and I talk to you soon.